Poems and Notes

by Tiffany Monti

Why I Write

I write to help me feel better.
Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
Sometimes I show my writing...
...other times I keep what I write to myself.
I write letters, poems, and I journal.
No matter what I'm doing,
it is for my benefit.

What I write reflects how I feel in the moment.
Sometimes it is not completely true.
For example, when I'm writing that I want to die,
or kill myself or someone else, well...
...true, there are times that I feel this way
But most of the time I don't.
The truth is, 
I am a harmless person.

My writing is a way to vent
and a motivator to move in a positive direction.

My Confusion

I don't know what went wrong in my life. One day I'm graduating college with an
Associates Degree, working a full time job and a part time job, on the verge of 
moving into my very own and first apartment. I already have a brand new car.

I was very happy with my life at the time. So, where did everything go wrong?

I had great credit back then. Now my credit is shot to hell. I live in a group home.
I have a mental illness. I am on meds. I lost my car through repossession. I lost 
both of my jobs. 

What the hell is wrong with me? Where is my life going? I never imagined it would 
go this way. What went wrong?

First Time in a Group Home 
Away from my Family

Alone in this world.
My own family abandoned me.
Confused on how my life messed up so quickly.

I am practically homeless, or at least that's how it seems most of the time, living in a house among a 
bunch of strangers.

No car
No job
No credit

On meds that make me feel sick

My Life in a Group Home

When you're in it and you can't get out, all you want to do is quit it, but you can't let the people that
depend upon you down. Meanwhile, you keep falling down. And, no, you can't get back up. It's three
steps back for every step forward. What are you working toward?

In the van, staff never tell us where we're going. We are left wondering, never knowing what to bring.
 Food stamp card? Cash? ID? The list goes on. So, I just bring everything.

Always looking over my shoulder. Paying attention to every street I go on. Do I trust staff? Why do I
 act this way? 

Manically Depressed

It's so hard to tell that I'm depressed because I'm so hyper. I have racing thoughts, I can't seem to stop 
talking. What's my PROBLEM? It's the middle of the night and I can't sleep. 

It's happening again.

My meds have stopped working People don't seem to understand, they keep telling me to RELAX.
How can I relax when I have no control over myself? Or, at least that's how I feel. This is so MESSED 
UP.

Why can't I be NORMAL? Have CONTROL over myself? Not have to LIVE in a group home.

The really messed up part is that no one seems to think it's my meds. The answer: MSG poisoning. 
Because I ate Chinese food that day.

Talking with Nobody Listening or Understanding

I'm living within my own head instead of within society...I keep thinking...my thoughts control how I 
feel. That's not good. I don't feel good...people seem to think things are going so well...and inside I'm 
screaming out. 


I'm hurting so badly emotionally that it hurts physically. I hold myself together so I don't disappoint. 
Why am I dying to live when I'm living to die? Every day I'm alive, I am closer to death.

The end is near
So be clear
I'll have my way
They will all pay

There's no way out
Nothing to talk about
Tired of hurting
Nothing is working

No more Ms nice girl
Welcome Ms mean girl

No one knows who's going to get it but me.
When it starts, there will be no end.
I won't stop until I get my revenge.




Dear Bully:

You pick on people who are weaker than you. You think you're so tough. But I bet I can take you down 
any day of the week, at any time of the day. I'll even let you pick the location.

The really tough people help the weaker ones. Work hard and become successful. Where will you be? 
So, bully, what do you think of that?

  


It's his Fault, but I'm the one in Pain

He raped me
But I am the one who got locked up

Not in jail
But in the hospital

Granted, I attempted suicide
That was a bad decision

I was in so much pain
I felt like no one understood

He exposed me to God knows what?

How can somebody do this?
How do they live with themselves?

I have always tried to be good
I wouldn't intentionally harm anyone

I do make mistakes
I admit when I'm wrong

I do apologize

He hasn't done a damn thing to apologize
Or come forward

I wish he'd just say it
I did it
It's my fault

A message to all rapists
All men and all women



If you think this is a game...it's NOT. Real people are at risk. Go and get some help...Just so you know, 
this happened on September 9th, 2008. I am writing this late because at first I couldn't talk about it. It's 
still hard to talk about it, but I don't blame myself anymore. 

I blame him. I'm not embarrassed because all you can do in that situation is survive. I did survive, but, 
oh, I am angry.



Is it possible to drive yourself crazy? To not want to be in your own body and brain? To feel as if you 
were destined for shit, in hell. To hate the way you look...what you do...and every decision you make. If 
it is, that's the way I feel.

I just want to run away. To get so far away. As far as possible. Maybe farm life on the moon. That's how 
dark my life can get sometimes. 

You will not see me soon in my dump. I'm going further than all of you...I'm no lump. My motivation is 
my greatest quality. 

So, take a look and learn before you have a fatality. Whoever hurt me, I will be murdering as I am 
succeeding and laughing.

A Friend who Betrayed Me

You went too far
Now we are apart
It's your fault
I'm going to the bar

To meet new friends
No more in-home phone calls
No more drama, sickness, and betrayals
No more “best friends”

Only friends to hang out with
Only friends to party with
I trust no one
I am alone!

Dear Karisa,

Why did you have to die? Why did you have to leave me? I miss you. Why couldn't you fight harder? 

I know you were depressed. I know you missed your family. I know you felt very alone. I also know 
the staff at your house were of no help.

But at least we had each other. Now, who do I have? You left me alone and confused. I'll always love 
you. I'll always miss you. I'll never forget you. You are my best friend.

But I'll never understand why you gave up.


Dear Dad,

Are you proud of me? Do you see me? Are you mad at the people hurting me? Are you planning 
revenge on them? Why did you have to leave me? What's heaven like? Did you meet God? Did you 
meet Jesus yet? When can I join you? Will I be joining you? Do you miss me as much as I miss you? 
Do you approve of Mom's boyfriend? Do you love your Granddaughter? Are you proud of Michael?

Dreaming

I am dreaming of a life
A life with a job and money
With trust, even without a knife
A car that drives me and my honey

I am dreaming of kids
A life with my own family
with a house and pets
No more every week, doctors and therapy

I am dreaming of a life
A life of being able to sleep without medication
With a nice vacation
Every summer